Only 7min to add 1 year to life

MERIDYTH: The latest global corruption index just gave the UK its worst-ever score. We've tumbled from the top ten to 20th in under a decade. Tories took £15 million from one donor, Labour's biggest backer got a Downing Street pass. That's not a blip.

ALISTER: It’s a slide, not a collapse. Sitting 20th out of 182 puts us in the top 11% globally, hardly a failed state. Two of the eight contributing data sources actually held our score steady or rated us higher this year. It's a warning sign, not a death sentence.

MERIDYTH: Warning sign? The index period covers record election spending, donor-linked appointments, and now the Mandelson-Epstein nonsense. The index’s UK chief says this is becoming our political "new normal.”

ALISTER: But look at the response. The Met are investigating him for Misconduct in Public Office, which carries a life sentence. That isn't the 'new normal.' That's accountability actually happening, slowly, publicly, but happening.

MERIDYTH: Please. America had to release the files for any of this to surface. The UK’s lobbying register is weaker than the US, Canada, and Ireland. We don’t cap donations. We barely track who's bending ministers' ears. The rules are broken, not just the reputation.

ALISTER: Then fix the rules. Cap donations, widen the lobbying register, enforce it faster. The indexing org says we can get back into the top ten. But screaming "the UK is corrupt" isn’t a solution. We've slipped, but we are still standing.

Boris Johnson went on Swedish TV this week to finally confirm exactly how many children he has, but also admitted he used to stalk the corridors of Downing Street in his boxer shorts to hunt for late-night snacks. We can’t un-see that mental image, so please help us distract ourselves by sharing The AM Squabble!

🫣 Starmer Clings On (For Now). The PM survived a leadership crisis sparked by the Epstein-linked Mandelson appointment, rallying MPs with a defiant speech. But with dire polls, May elections looming, and rivals quietly sharpening knives, his reprieve is starting to look temporary.

☔️ Noah called. He wants his record back. Parts of the UK have had over 40 straight days of rain, flooding farms, trashing roads and flushing hibernating animals from their burrows. There was a glimpse of sun for Valentine’s, but more Atlantic weather is expected.

🇭🇰 Welcome mat gets bigger. The UK is expanding Hong Kong’s visa scheme after Beijing jailed a pro-democracy activist for 20yrs. Adult children of existing visa holders and their families can now apply, with 26k more people expected over five years.

🇲🇨 Monaco man moans. Tax exile Sir Jim Ratcliffe claims the UK is being "colonised by immigrants", prompting a sharp slapdown from Starmer. It’s a bit rich for a bloke who lives in a tax haven to lecture the rest of us on who exactly belongs in Britain.

🐑 Ewe not alone. Britain’s "loneliest sheep" has ditched the solitude for motherhood, delivering twins at Dalscone Farm. After refusing to mix with the flock for two years, Fiona simply created her own friends. Talk about an extreme DIY solution to a lagging social life.

GOOD NEWS… for being dedicated to peace, after a group of Buddhist monks completed their 108-day “Peace Walk” from Texas to DC, despite two of them being hit by a car with one having his leg amputated! BAD NEWS… for male heirs after South Korea's spies reported Kim Jong Un has chosen his 13yo daughter as his North Korean heir.

🔥 Sparklers and sorrow. The owners of the Swiss club where 41 people perished have admitted they never held fire drills. As families demand justice for the "negligent arson," it’s becoming painfully clear that safety was an afterthought in the pursuit of a good time.

🇪🇺 Brussels battles ‘doomscrolling’. The EU has declared war on infinite scrolling, ordering TikTok to scrap the "addictive" feature or face massive fines. It’s a bold attempt to save our brains from the algorithm’s grip, even if it means we’ll actually have to decide to watch another cat video.

👶 Baby-making begging letters. The French government has started writing to every 29-year-old, politely suggesting they get on with procreating. It is part of a desperate 16-point plan to boost birth rates, because nothing says "romance" like a state-sanctioned reminder that your biological clock is ticking.

🏅Gold for Team GB! Going into the Olympics, Team GB was targeting 4-8 medals. 5 days in, Matt Weston finally secured the first! He also became the first British male to medal in the Winter Olympics in over 40 years! He won another gold for mixed skeleton with Tabby Stoecker, while Marcus Wyatt and Freya Tarbit won gold for mixed snowboarding. Only 5 more to go… Go Team GB!

⛸️ SkateGate 2.0… French ice dancers nabbed Olympic gold despite visible errors, with critics claiming dodgy judging. The French judge tanked the Americans' scores whilst inflating the French team. Even 4th place Italy said the Americans deserved gold. Over 6,500 fans want an investigation.

🎿 Bronze Medal, Gold Audacity. Norwegian biathlete Sturla Holm Lægreid won Olympic bronze, then confessed to cheating on his girlfriend live on telly, hoping it'd win her back. Her verdict? "Hard to forgive." Would you take him back after a viral apology?

🍆 Condom crisis. The Milan-Cortina Winter Olympics has run out of condoms in just three days, leaving organisers scrambling. Apparently, the cold weather hasn't dampened spirits (or libidos), as athletes prove that cardio isn't the only thing they are training for.

🧹 Curling chaos. Canadian curler Marc Kennedy has been accused of cheating twice in two days, allegedly giving his stones a cheeky extra nudge. With opponents fuming and TV cameras catching the "double-tap" in action, the gentleman’s game is suddenly looking a lot less polite.

By Meridyth

When a celebrity passes away, you sympathise with the family’s loss. But for some reason, James Van Der Beek’s passing this week from his colorectal cancer battle really hit me. His iconic roles in Dawson’s Creek and Varsity Blues certainly made an impression, but it wasn’t about that…

He was still young, only 48yo. He was diagnosed with stage 3 bowel cancer after noticing something different with his stool. Currently, the NHS tests for this every 2 years, but starting from age 50. So if you’re under 50 (like Van Der Beek was), what do you do?

If you notice any of the above symptoms, talk to your GP immediately and request a FIT kit - Fecal Immunochemical Test. They’ll give you one if you show any symptoms. And make sure you don’t take no for an answer.

Be your own advocate and stand up for your health!

We’ve talked about SkateGate… but what about GroinGate? 😅 Best to watch with the audio on. Love the commentator.

The skier, Yannick Bertrand, deserves an honorary medal… ouch!

This Tuesday marks a rare calendar collision: it is both Shrove Tuesday and the start of the Lunar New Year. That is a legitimate excuse to eat crepes and dumplings in the same sitting. Join Meridyth next week for another Squabble as Alister is off to Somerset.

Alister & Meridyth